It was 1964 when Minnesota folk singer Bob Dylan's, The Times They Are A-Changin' was released. In 1988, grief scholars were writing about the loss of the assumed/expected world as a major loss for individuals, families, organizations and communities. In 1993, I was the speaker at a public forum on Loss of Dreams.
Today, I often hear grieving people speak less about their personal or family losses and more about losses related to the state of the world or planet. They speak to fears for and about the world their grandchildren will face. They speak of possible future scenarios with less innocence and the loss of dreams they had hoped for future generations. Yes, then and now, the times they are a-changin'.
Whether personal or collective, stability has been replaced for many by changes, uncertainty and ambiguity. Consider the onset of the pandemic in 2020 with its immediate changes in schools, work settings, shopping patterns, starting with wearing masks. That was a loss of our assumed world, a loss of routine and how to do things we had assumed would always stay the same.
Routines and anchors of stability AND flexibility and acceptance
Some people are list-makers and planners who may need/want more clarity than those that are more flexible, "go with the flow" types. Neither is better than the other; each has merit. The degree of desired continuity may vary widely from person to person. Each of us is tested by the amount of clarity and ambiguity in our everyday lives. Finding personal balance, both clarity or flexibility, not one or the other can be a wise choice.
Not that long ago, it was common for organizations - schools, companies, even families - to have annual plans, schedules, and ways of working. During recent years, many organizations have moved from annual plans to guiding principles (William Bridges Managing Transitions, 2016). Changes were so frequent that plans could quickly be outdated and of little help. Guiding principles, not the plan, became a better course.
These guiding principles can help you cope during times of change:
- Aspire to be more proactive than reactive. An example of this is the reaction to a serious medical diagnosis. With your medical team and family, you can assess what you can do, not only a focus on what is now different or lost. A more specific example is someone getting surgery on their vocal cords and it's important that they not talk for a week to help the vocal cords recover. The patient can be proactive by a planned discipline not to speak AND to text or email family and friends instead.
- Like the first tip, the direction in which you look will determine what you see. If the news of the day or week is heavy or scary, limit the amount of news time and offset it with an activity that is the opposite – light and hopeful. This could mean a nature walk, attending a comedy show, playing with a child or pet.
- Surround yourself with hopeful people: the world is still changing. At times like these we need to surround ourselves with hopeful people. Not hopeful in an unrealistic way, rather but a hope focused on balancing worries with real joy and things of beauty, including friendships.
About our guest author
Ted Bowman is a grief and family educator. He specializes in changes and transition. For over 40 years, he has been a frequent trainer, consultant, and speaker with many groups throughout Minnesota, the United States, and other countries. Ted was an adjunct professor at the University of Minnesota (Family Education) 1981-2012; at the University of Saint Thomas (Social Work) 2006 until 2019; and 1989 to 1996 at United Theological Seminary of the Twin Cities.
Ted is the author of over 125 articles and chapters appearing in books, journals, newspapers, and magazines. His booklets, Loss of Dreams: A Special Kind of Grief, and Finding Hope When Dreams Have Shattered are widely used in grief care. He and Elizabeth Johnson co-edited The Wind Blows, the Ice Breaks, a volume of poems by MN poets addressing themes of loss and renewal. His newest book, Ambiguous Parables: Poem and Prose of Loss and Renewal, was published in November of 2021.
