Early in my career as a loss educator, I was introduced to the work of Pauline Boss who addresses ambiguous losses. I'm glad I was! Ambiguous loss, according to Boss, is a loss that is unclear; a situation that has no clear answer and thus no resolution; and a loss that traumatizes and immobilizes grief and coping processes. Physical and/or psychological absences are often experienced.
Boss' insights have aided me and many when faced with uncertainty and confusing choices, futures, and experiences. For example, regarding the recent pandemic in Minnesota, she wrote "What is distressing us is not just the virus, but the ambiguity surrounding it, what it will do, and what we should do about it. Science provides some answers, but we are experiencing uncertainty, and that's very stressful for a society that is accustomed to solving problems and having definitive answers."
What is your comfort level with ambiguity and uncertainty, especially those related to losses? And how do you apply whatever your comfort level as you move from team meetings to patient conferences to the ICU or when with family members discussing options? And as a patient, what is it like to not know answers? Common examples of ambiguity in medical settings are patients who are both here (alive) and not here…or colleagues who are both here (alive) but seem to be emotionally or mentally elsewhere; the ambiguity of waiting…for a test result, room availability; or loss of personal exchanges in team meetings now that many interactions have gone virtual.
Can you access generous curiosity when facing vague or unknown losses? Poet Mary Oliver wrote that when death comes near, she wants to enter the door full of curiosity. I too yearn for the courage to embrace greater comfort with ambiguity. In 2021, my book, Ambiguous Parables, was published. Here are adapted lines from the introduction: "The pages herein are the voice of a man seeking greater comfort with ambiguity. What seems to be is not always what is. A life-long quest has been to find words - the words of others through conversations, poetry, song lyrics, fiction, non-fiction, scriptures – and/or my own words - to acknowledge and address ambiguous experiences."
Some of my current responses to ambiguity are:
- Flexibility
- Normalize the situation
- Expect ambivalence
- Minimize helplessness
- Emphasize what can be changed and what cannot.
References
Boss, P. (1999) Ambiguous Loss. Cambridge: Harvard University Press.
Boss, P. (2006) Loss, Trauma, and Resilience: Therapeutic Work with Ambiguous Loss. New York: W. W. Norton and Company.
Bowman, T. (2021) Ambiguous Parables: Poems and Pross of Loss and Renewal. Minneapolis: Nodin Press.
Oliver, M. (1992) "When Death Comes" in New and Selected Poems
About our guest author
Ted Bowman is a grief and family educator. He specializes in changes and transition. For over 40 years, he has been a frequent trainer, consultant, and speaker with many groups throughout Minnesota, the United States, and other countries. Ted was an adjunct professor at the University of Minnesota (Family Education) 1981-2012; at the University of Saint Thomas (Social Work) 2006 until 2019; and 1989 to 1996 at United Theological Seminary of the Twin Cities.
Ted is the author of over 125 articles and chapters appearing in books, journals, newspapers, and magazines. His booklets, Loss of Dreams: A Special Kind of Grief, and Finding Hope When Dreams Have Shattered are widely used in grief care. He and Elizabeth Johnson co-edited The Wind Blows, the Ice Breaks, a volume of poems by MN poets addressing themes of loss and renewal. His newest book, Ambiguous Parables: Poem and Prose of Loss and Renewal, was published in November of 2021.
